Guys, here’re just a few things the women of OK Cupid wish you knew

So, for a short period of time, I’ve had a profile on online dating site OK Cupid. I’m not going to write about my experiences except to say that I have been lucky enough to meet some wonderful women. From talking to those women, though, I came to understand that their experience on OK Cupid is very different from that of the average guy—and not in a good way. In fact, their experience can be frustrating, angering, and downright terrifying. I thought I’d write about some of what I’ve learned from them in the hopes of, well, making their experience a little more pleasant and a little less what the fuck.

See, the problem is with us, guys. Not all of us but some of us. Some of us suck. A lot. Now, if you are one of those guys, the guys who suck, this is for you—and for the women you frustrate, anger and terrify (note: if you are convinced that you are not one of those guys, then you almost certainly are one of those guys).


They owe you nothing

First—and this applies to your entire dating life, on and offline—understand, know, and accept that no woman owes you a damn thing. All those women you may want to date? They owe you nothing. Nothing. No. Thing. And that goes times infinity for sex. Accept that—that no woman ever, anywhere, owes you sex for anything—and you’re already ahead of the curve. The only woman who could possibly be defined as owing you sex is a prostitute, and you would’ve paid her (very well, I’d hope), and I would argue that even she doesn’t owe you sex, that if all she did was punch you in the mouth and walk away with your cash you would’ve gotten exactly what you deserve—maybe even more than you deserve since she actually touched you.

But let’s pretend you’re smart enough to assume that none of the women on OK Cupid are prostitutes, this means that they do not and never will owe you sex. In fact, they don’t even owe you a response to one of your messages. Sounds harsh? It isn’t. It’s reality. If there’s one thing online dating has done, it’s finally grant women the indisputable right to act as gatekeepers of themselves. They get to decide how, when or if they will interact with you. No matter how polite, how nice, how charming you think you are, they still owe you nothing. They have all the power. Does it suck to have an entire group of people, a whole freaking gender hold an inordinate amount of power over an important part of your life? Yes it does. Welcome to every damn day in the average woman’s life, mudder fugger. Now quit whining and know that you still have a huge advantage.

See, these women are using an online dating service, which means that, by definition, they are at least somewhat open to going on dates. That takes a huge chunk of uncertainty out of the game. Now, all you have to do is give them a reason to grant you the privilege of a date. How do you do that? Glad you asked.


Don’t turn her off with your photo

I’ve heard from more than one woman that a shirtless profile photo is an immediate deal breaker. In fact, a few women I’ve spoken to have said that they promptly hide any profile that includes a shirtless photo. Understand that the hide button on OK Cupid is a female user’s best friend. They click that thing like it gives them pleasure. Don’t give them a reason to. Put a shirt on. You just lost a bunch of weight and wanna let all the ladies know about it? Congrats. Put a shirt on. You go to the gym six times a week and wanna let all the ladies know about it? Good for you. Put a shirt on. You think your naked manboobs are funny and endearing? They’re horrifying. Put a shirt on.

Just look at these two photos and guess which of the accompanying profiles most women would elect to visit:



The first one? Really? Sorry. I’d put my money on the adult-sized toddler up there. Any day. At least he seems to know how to dress himself in polite company.


Don’t list “lovemaking” or “massages” as something you’re good at

I’m still shocked that I actually have to write about this. Honestly shocked. A woman once showed me one such profile. The dude had listed both massages and lovemaking as two of the things he was good at. I laughed. Then she showed me another one. And another. Then a different woman told me about another. And another. Then I saw one in which the guy had listed lovemaking twice (his list was, like, twenty-eight items long). I wasn’t laughing anymore. Seriously, I don’t even have to deal with that scary shit and it pisses me off.

I know, women all love massages and backrubs and footrubs and all of that, but when you throw it out there it just comes off creepy as, well, a sneak massage. And you’re proud of your lovemaking skills? That’s great. Here’s an idea: show don’t tell. At an appropriate time. After you’ve been given the go ahead. Loud and freaking clear. Okay? Okay.

Just stop creeping her out. You might think listing massages as a skill speaks of your sensitive, nurturing side, but no matter who you are or what you look like, the woman is now picturing this:



Don’t waste her time

This next part will clear up a lot of the confusion among men on OK Cupid. See, as a man, you can expect to get, maybe, one message a day. From what I gather, if you’re getting four or five messages a day, you’re doing very well. Women, though, can expect to get between ten and twenty messages a day. So while for you receiving a message is a special treat, for her it might’ve actually become a chore. This is especially true when you consider that many of the messages she receives will be creepy, rude, or pictures of dicks. I wish I were kidding. I really, really wish I were kidding.

Now the above is good and bad. It’s good because, with only a modicum of effort, you can come off better than the douchebags and penis-peddlers who’ve contacted her on any given day. So just by not being creepy or batshit insane, you’ve beaten out maybe as much as a third of those men who’ve sent her a message. It’s bad because, even if we were to knock off a third of her messages, that’s still upwards of a dozen messages.

It’s not to say that the competition will end you, it’s just that you might be message eleven of twelve (not counting the creeps), and she was sick of this shit after four. So when your turn does come around, do you really want to waste it with something like “Hi, how are you?” She’s just sifted through two requests for pictures of her feet, three descriptions of violent sexual acts, and one close-up jpeg of human testicles, do you really want an honest answer to that question? No you don’t.

If she doesn’t answer your message, don’t write again. Move on. Maybe she’ll reply later, once she’s gotten over all the scrotums, or maybe she’s just not interested. Too bad. You have no say in it and, nope, she owes you no explanation or reason. But maybe you were boring.

Next to being creepy and/or offensive (they often go hand-in-hand), the worst possible thing you can do is be boring. How do you avoid being boring? I can’t answer that. But avoiding boring questions is usually a safe bet. You could try referring in some way to her profile, after actually reading it, which leads us to . . .


Read her profile

Just read it. Pay attention, then use it as a means to not be boring. Studies have shown that women who participated in a conversation with a man who asked several questions about her later rated the man as more charming and interesting, even though he may have not said a single thing about himself, meaning the women knew nothing about him . . . except that he came off charming and interesting. Reading her profile is the equivalent to asking questions about her and—here’s the truly important part—being genuinely interested in her answers.


Don’t challenge her

Challenging a woman on the skills she listed is not cute or funny. She doesn’t know you and you don’t know her, so if she listed “hockey goal tending” as something she’s good at, don’t send her a message saying she couldn’t handle your slap shot. You might think it comes off roguish and charming, but to her you’re just another chauvinist.

Again, always assume that every one of these women receives at least a dozen messages a day, and further assume that a sad portion of those are offensive. So yes, these women are on the defensive. Understandably and legitimately so. They aren’t necessarily looking for a reason to ignore you, but they’ll take whatever reason you give them. So don’t give them any. If your message contains even a hint of douchebaggery, you’re done. It’s not cruelty or arrogance on their part, it’s just plain self-preservation. When you go out on a date, you fear rejection. When she goes out on a date, she fears physical violence. So what you might see as harmless teasing, she sees as a red flag.

And, hell, why wouldn’t she write you off for that? She’ll have twelve more messages in her inbox within twenty-four hours, and maybe one, just one will be respectful of and interested in her stated abilities.


Use proper spelling, punctuation and grammar

I can hear you already: “Aw, man, women get away with bad writing all the time!” Yup, that’s true. I can attest to that. Want that to stop? Fine. Do not message or respond to any women who don’t use proper spelling and grammar. Even the hot ones. Now, get all the other men on OK Cupid to follow your lead. Impossible? Well, the ladies have managed to organize in just that fashion, so tough testies for you. Deal with it. Show yourself, her, and the English language respect and you’ll not only come off as a higher class of man, you’ll attract a higher class of women.


Stop, stop, stop whining about the “Friend Zone”

You’re such a nice, sweet, caring guy but no matter how much you listen to women, do kind things for them, and otherwise allow them to walk all over you, they still end up with the bad boy, the better looking guy, the richer guy. Women are all just shallow and don’t actually know what they want. If only one of them would give you a chance, but they just keep shoving you into the Friend Zone. Right? Aw, yeah, I feel you, dude, I’ve been there . . . In high school. Then a funny thing happened: I grew the living blue fuck up. I suggest you do the same.

Here’s what happened. I stopped thinking of it as being placed into the Friend Zone, stopped calling it the Friend Zone altogether, and realized that, holy shit, I just made a new friend. And—bonus!—this new friend is a woman. Do you really feel you have too many friends? How about female friends? Got too many of those? Yeah? You’re a dick, because you clearly don’t appreciate whatever friends you have (and, I agree, you do have too many friends, ’cause you don’t deserve them).

Guys complain about the Friend Zone for two reasons and two reasons only. They didn’t have the guts to make a move when they should have and let the opportunity pass them by, but can’t accept it so they blame the woman for unfairly “downgrading” them to friend; and they didn’t learn that very first point I made, that no woman owes him a goddamn thing, and especially not sex. When you complain about being relegated to the Friend Zone, you’re really just complaining that, despite all the nice things you did for her, this woman isn’t jumping gratefully into your bed. And that’s bullshit—and gross.

You know what she’s done for you in return for all those nice—i.e. friendly—things you did for her? She’s accepted to be your friend. Do you know how freaking wonderful a female friend can be to a straight single guy? All those questions I can’t answer? They can. All this information I’ve had to give you? They could’ve told you all of this, if you’d only asked. A good female friend will be glad to look over your profile before you make it live. She might even look over a message you were planning to send. She’ll give you advice no guy ever could. That’s freaking gold. That’s the terrible, horrible Friend Zone.

Cherish the Friend Zone, and articles like this one will become completely useless to you.


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91 Responses to Guys, here’re just a few things the women of OK Cupid wish you knew

  1. Brandy March 8, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

    Well said, sir. Hear, hear.

  2. Holden April 23, 2013 at 6:54 pm #

    I love the post and the philosophy behind it. The only thing about your suggestions re: men going shirtless is that your cautions aren’t borne out by the data. See:
    If you have six pack abs AND you’re young, shirtless profile pics do seem to help you connect with potential partners (according to OK Cupid metrics).
    I for one would never pose shirtless because I’m a) happily married b) old c) emaciated; but for others, I suppose to go with your suggestion is a choice based on principles rather than probability—which is wonderful as long as you know what you’re doing and why.

    • andre July 16, 2013 at 10:55 pm #

      Hi Holden,

      Sorry I didn’t reply sooner; just noticed your comment.

      It’s an interesting link you included and you’re absolutely right that my post is in no way scientific or based on any statistics; the evidence I used is purely anecdotal.

      I guess the way I see it is that, if some women may hide your profile the moment they see a shirtless pic, without even glancing at the rest of your profile, you’re potentially losing out on some connections, whether the stats bare it out or not. So you have exactly nothing to lose by putting a shirt on but would definitely have lost out on every one of the women I’ve spoken to.

      And, besides, if a guy looks good with his shirt off, he’ll also look good in, say, a well-tailored suit, and there’re far fewer of those on OKC. Plus, I don’t know a single women who’d pass over a guy’s profile for being well-dressed.

      Thanks for the comment and the insight!

  3. Alex July 16, 2013 at 5:34 am #

    I appreciate your writing this. You said a lot of really great, accurate things. May I add 2 comments? This is for when you actually go on an OKC date.

    1. Feel it out. I’ve been out with some guys who apparently think there must be a kiss at some point regardless of how everything else has gone. If you two haven’t touched in any way, and you’re not noticing any signals that she wants to be kissed (and you’re not even sure if she’s into you or would ever want to talk to you again), a kiss is not in order.

    2. You may be ready for a relationship with her, but just relax. As most people recognize, girls seem to get a lot more contact on OKC than guys. So, for example, in my first week of signing up, I’m scheduling dates with 5 different guys. I simply don’t have the time or energy at this point to focus a whole lot on any one of them. So just recognize that she may be weighing you against several other dudes, and she needs some time and space to figure out how she feels.

    • andre July 16, 2013 at 10:50 pm #

      Hi Alex and thanks for reading and commenting.

      This is great advice. I focused on the profile and online interaction but, of course, the job doesn’t end there.

      I’ve had a few women tell me that, when on a first date with a guy they met on OKC, they treat that first meeting as a sort of ‘pre-date’, something less formal to gauge whether or not they’d even want to pursue a ‘real’ first date. A kiss doesn’t even cross their minds at that point. A first date with someone you meet online is really just this side of a blind date, after all so, as you pointed out, you are both (or should both be) getting to know each other on a fairly basic level. I will admit that, for me, reading those ‘kiss me’ signals is tough, so I tend to err on the side of caution (though sometimes . . . uh, too much).

      I especially appreciate your second bit of advice. It’s something I hadn’t considered. The fact that a woman may receive three times as many messages as a man may also translate into three times as many dates, meaning that she’ll have far more options and that her decision to pursue one or two of those options may take longer. I’m thinking the guy is best to be patient, not try too hard. If you’re enjoying your time with her none of it will be wasted, even if things don’t progress the way you’d hoped in the end.

      Thanks again for the advice, Alex, and feel free to add. Oh, and good luck on your dates!

    • Tracy October 27, 2014 at 8:33 pm #

      I just want to add that I concur with Alex. I built an OKC profile. I’m an older woman, but attractive. And I was slammed with messages before I’d completed the profile. I started out intending to answer them all, then gave up. And definitely issued no replies to the ones you describe in the initial blog post. And reading and UNDERSTANDING the profile matters. I have some “requirements” listed, and one guy wrote to say maybe I could teach him these things. And I didn’t know what part of “this is what I want in a man” he didn’t understand. If he doesn’t have those skills/do those things, then he’s not the guy I’m looking for–it should be obvious.

      However on the dates, I made 6 dates my first week on the site. One I canceled because I had an uncomfortable feeling about it, but I was polite in my cancellation and the guy was cool about it. One guy stood me up, but I expected that based on him getting tentative later–but I had plans in that area already, so it wasn’t a big deal. Another guy we were set to meet, then he pulled out. I was cool about it, and later he wrote wanting to try again, but it was strained, and we mutually decided not to proceed with anything. The other three I met. One had a lot of travel coming up, and I haven’t heard back. So, not sure if he’s out of the picture or will be contacting me later–I’m fine either way. Then the final two, I really liked. They were very different, but I liked them both for different reasons, and I’m seeing both of them concurrently. My situation is that I’m in an open relationship, so my goal was dating/sex partners, and everyone is open about it who is involved. The first guy I met in person didn’t try to kiss me .He was married and in an open relationship, but they’re not out to their friends, so he has to be discreet. The first of the two guys I am currently seeing met me, and we had a nice chat for an hour or so, and we left to go back to his place and had sex (we’d talked openly about that possibility before we met in person). The final guy, I didn’t think we were compatible, but he was very cool and suggested we might be more compatible than I was expecting (he said much of what he asked for at his profile was “optional”–and my fears I might bore him were probably unfounded, since I was saying I thought he’d find me boring). We met, and had a great time. I’ve seen him twice. He was the only guy who asked to kiss me after the initial meeting–and he *asked* if it was OK. And I was OK with it, because I did like him.

      At any rate, so far I haven’t encountered the pushy kissers, but that would freak me out. And I think what’s interesting to me is that some people think that because I’m in an open relationship and looking mainly for sex partners, that it’s fine to message me sexually explicit introductions–so not cool. I want to know who I’m talking to–not how big your cock is. There are a lot of big cocks in this city, but not as many attached to kind, interesting, conversational men–whom i really do appreciate.

      My husband is also on the site and had some negative thoughts about how women have it “so easy” on the site. After a few days of me showing him my messages I’d gotten and asking “So, should I respond to this one?” He said, so many times, “No, that’s just an idiot, nobody has to respond to something like that,” that he finally changed his opinion and now understands this is why women don’t generally reply. If I get a thoughtful note from someone, I still try to at least write back, even if I’m not interested, but it is tiresome wading through all these nutters. And I can’t imagine what the younger women have to contend with. I’m sure it’s pure insanity.

      Thank you for the post–and thanks to Alex for her further, very on-target, inputs.

  4. Dayana August 1, 2013 at 2:25 am #

    This was randomly shared on my Facebook by a mutual friend and I just have to say it is one of the best things I’ve read all year. So, SO true, all of it and I’m actually amazed that this piece was so succinctly written by a GUY (which is kinda sad, I know). I tried OKC very briefly and got too freaked out for all of the reasons you mentioned above but I thought I was just being crazy/paranoid/a typical fickle womun lol glad to know at least ONE person out there “get’s it”!

  5. Luke perry August 4, 2013 at 8:30 am #

    “In fact, they don’t even owe you a response to one of your messages. Sounds harsh? It isn’t. It’s reality. If there’s one thing online dating has done, it’s finally grant women the undisputable right to act as gatekeepers of themselves. They get to decide how, when or if they will interact with you. No matter how polite, how nice, how charming you think you are, they still owe you nothing. They have all the power. Does it suck to have an entire group of people, a whole freaking gender hold an inordinate amount of power over an important part of your life? Yes it does.”

    Fuck you! You are scum. Why are Men asked to completely change who and what they are in order to accommodate women? Who in the hell are they? And you really expect society to continue in this manner? As if its just completely normal. If there weren’t a greater calling card for the coming war. This is it. It’s all a part of the disorder of this perverted western matriarchal society. That degrades the value of men.

    • Evan August 4, 2013 at 2:07 pm #

      They’re not asking you to change. No one is asking anyone to change. The main point here is to adapt to a situation instead of acting like a self entitled creepy asshole. You ask “Who the hell are they?” I think the better question is “Who the hell am I?” friend.

    • PDK August 4, 2013 at 4:45 pm #

      You talk about “society” like it doesn’t evolve. It does, and you need to get over yourself. Who in “the hell” are women? More than half the human population, son, the mothers of every person that will ever come after us, and important, people that get to choose the direction of and partners for their lives. A far better question is who in the hell you think you are, with your creepy veiled shit like “you really expect” and “war” and such, acting like you know what’s “normal” for a man like me. Not appropriate, never going to happen – so, please, grow up, face yourself and this obvious chip on your shoulder, and do it now. You’re angry, but you’re barking up the wrong tree in a very futile way. Improve yourself before lashing out at the entire freakin’ world.

      • KwazyMonkey November 5, 2013 at 4:35 pm #

        Thanks PDK. BTW guys like Luke Perry are the reason why women like me never respond back with even a no thank you to men who message us. I used to be super polite and respond back to politely decline their inquiries but quickly learned not to do so anymore after seeing how vicious men can become after being rejected. This guy seems like he’s got majore issues. Dude you need therapy. Wow! Guys like you act like we women hold all the cards in the dating game. Dude it’s extremely easy to find men to have sex with us but extremely difficult to find men who actually want a long term faithful relationship with us so it evens out. Dating is not easy for either sexes. So much misinformation out here it’s ridiculous!

    • Vivianna December 17, 2013 at 4:53 am #

      well mr.Perry, looks like this artical just went right over your head, didn’t it?

    • bob September 7, 2014 at 12:08 pm #

      I love what you said, and I agree with you completely. If you cooperate with all this feminist horseshite, you’ll be friendzoned, blueballed, lead on, etc. for the rest of your miserable unrequited life.

      None of these commandments are coming from the part of a woman’s brain that measures male attractiveness(the part that wants to jump your bones).

      • Tracy October 27, 2014 at 8:51 pm #

        I find it funny that I’m now seeing/having sex with two men I met on OKC, and both followed the advice on this blog post. Seems they were able to get a response and get with a woman on OKC without being entitled asshats. One of them, I know, answered questions about chivalry and opening doors by saying he was raised that way and that’s how he is/what he does. But on my responses, I said I believe people should open doors for each other regardless of gender, and not show deference to women. I’ve seen him start toward the passenger car door, as if he’s going to open it for me (because of habit), check himself, and not do so–allowing me to open it myself. He paid attention to my profile and my question responses. And I appreciate that so much, I can’t begin to express it. He treats me how I wish to be treated, not how he believes I should wish to be treated (after all, isn’t how we treat others for *them* and not for *us*?) And it has scored him endless points. I don’t “friendzone” men who show me that level of respect and consideration. I give it back in spades.

    • Dice Clay Saved Me! December 7, 2014 at 4:50 pm #

      Keep in mind that dating is a game changer once women get above age 28. They don’t have the power like they did when they were younger, and each year after the age of 28 their power goes down and down. Kind of like bad stock.. It’s reality. Men, concentrate on getting a good college education and once you get a good paying job, you now hold the power. Women will come to you with very little effort from you. It’s a fact! They when those same older women that turned you down earlier in life now want a crack at you, laugh at them and ask them if they have a grand daughter who is 18-20 in age as you don’t date old women. Seriously, what goes around comes around and all is fair in love and war. I’m now in my 30’s with a great paying job, a paid off house with an inground swimming pool, and I’m getting women barely out of high school asking ME out :) I love it. If you think I’m pull of it, read my profile on Ok Cupid. I’m welloffone. Enjoy men, your reward is coming later in life.

      • Laughing her ass off December 31, 2014 at 7:47 pm #

        @Dice Clay.
        “dating is a game changer once women get above age 28. They don’t have the power like they did when they were younger”

        LOL! Keep telling yourself that! At 42 years of age, I get more hits and go on more dates than you can dream of. That’s because mature men prefer mature women who can carry a good conversation and give better sex. It also helps that I’ve stayed in great physical shape and live a healthy lifestyle. Of course, the fact that I own my own 3,000 sqft house with an in-ground pool, a great car, and have followed a very successful career path makes me even more appealing. Believe me; your money doesn’t impress – I’d still reject you. About the only thing an 18-28 y/o has to offer is to look (and act) younger. That’s really not so much of an advantage when I still look hot.

        “If you think I’m pull of it, read my profile on Ok Cupid. I’m welloffone.”

        Riiiight. That’s why you stole an image of a 24 y/o model off the internet and use it as your one-and-only photo on OKC. You’re a poser. Since you can’t even be honest about what you look like, I doubt you’re being honest about anything else in your profile – including your paid-off home and the 80 acres you’re planning to purchase for a horse farm. LMAO!

        Keep dreaming, buddy.

    • John June 20, 2015 at 9:12 am #

      You sound an awful lot like those extremist groups out there, except instead of being about race, foreign policy, etc, it’s about feeling entitled to women. You know who else you sound alot like? Elliot Rodger.

      “And you really expect society to continue in this manner? As if its just completely normal. If there weren’t a greater calling card for the coming war. This is it. It’s all a part of the disorder of this perverted western matriarchal society. That degrades the value of men.”

  6. Mal August 5, 2013 at 1:34 am #

    Dear Mr. Perry,

    Thank you so much. For your response. Having been a longtime friend and past lover of the author, I have been waiting for someone with your Position of Authority to tell him. How it is. I am in agreement that the role of Man is being threatened by the rising dominance of wo-Man, which is clearly exemplified by this example of manhood traitorism. Can you believe that despite his lady-sympathizing ways I spent the better part of the last five years letting him accommodate my vagina? When I should have been looking for a Real Man. You know, like someone who would put me in my Place rather than love and support me (despicable, I know).

    The sad fact is Luke, I have spent so much time with gender-warmongers that I have completely forgotten what (or where) my Place is. Since you are so well versed in matters of gender inequalities, I would love for you to spell it out for me. (To be clear, I am making a humble request, as I know any time you spend re-educating me on my matriarchal wrongdoings is a privilege.) If it were not for Real Men like yourself. Wo-Men might actually begin to believe they might have the right to not give a single fuck about your insecurities with your own masculinity.

    Again, thank you for your insight into my own experience and efforts at maintaining The Natural Order.

    Your biggest. Fan.


    • yetanother October 30, 2013 at 12:37 am #

      All snark, no filler.

  7. Ben August 6, 2013 at 4:32 pm #

    I just dropped my OKC account today, permanently, and hurrah!!! No more dealing with these headaches.

    I agree with the author’s overarching statement here, however, for the females, why are you on OKC? We all know women get messaged exponentially more than men, I get that, and I am sure they feel overwhelmed sometimes. So, again, why put yourself through the stress of having to filter out all the perverted messages, and quite frankly, all the rest that don’t measure up to you, and just go out and try meeting people the old-fashioned way? The only conclusion I can come to is that you desire instant online validation, and love the thrill of hitting that ‘hide’ button whenever someone messages you with one misspelled word, or whatever the issue may be.

    Many of you may or may not be the same girls who go to bars or clubs, expecting men to hit on you, and when they do, you get the thrill of having the mother hen whisk you away from that oh-so-dangerous man. Or maybe you get visibly angry when nobody pays attention to you, much like this past weekend when 4 model-type women came in, danced alone on the dance floor, made all sorts of noise even though they weren’t drunk, looked around for someone to value them and when nobody was checking them out, huffed and puffed off the dance floor in a fury. They even came up to me, realized I wasn’t buying their game, and got visibly pissed. So I proceeded to work the crowd and eventually found a fun group of girls with whom to talk, dance, and have fun.

    Sorry for the long sidenote. To the women of OKC, I wish you all the best in your search for whatever it is you’re looking for. And just because you are not obligated to respond to a message, this still doesn’t make for a civil, polite discourse. If someone started talking to you on the street, at a family gathering, at work or school, would you simply not acknowledge their existence? I feel bad for those of you who were brought up like that. You must just walk out of our house in the morning, quaking with fury over the thought of some guy, I don’t know, maybe smiling at you and wishing you a ‘good morning’?

    Oh, and one final note: I did read all your profiles thoroughly, asked a question or commented in a friendly manner about one of your interests, showed a genuine interest in you in a non-beta-male type fashion, as I normally do, not resorting to talking about sex or dropping lines like “damn, you fine.” I had one…repeat, ONE mirror shot, with all my clothes on, just so you could at least see my full profile, as all my other photos were either close-ups, or me doing something or hanging out at some gathering, where my full profile wasn’t visible.

    Again, best of luck to all of you.

    • Mal August 7, 2013 at 1:34 am #

      Dear Ben,

      Shit -where the hell were you when I was sifting through the throngs of drooling man-boys during my OKC days? I also agree with the author’s overarching statement (ie. women are peoples too), but I side with you on the women-as-attention-whores philosophy. I’m happy to see that I’m not the only one wise to their sneaky games.

      That said, I have to be honest with you: I too have been occasionally captivated by the bombardment of male attention received online. It not only thrills me, but provides some mild (and some not so mild) sexual gratification when I hover my mouse over the “Hide” button. In fact, sometimes I comb the message two or three times, searching for that ONE hidden grammatical error, just so I can stroke my, uh, ego, before heading off to work.

      But Ben, please be don’t judge us too quickly; having all this power is certain to go to our heads from time to time. For instance, only last weekend I was approached by who I can only assume was a friendly neighborhood do-gooder in the middle of the night. He kindly offered to walk me the rest of the way to the bar and made me feel like a god-damned queen by his obvious entrancement with my physical assets. But, like a total snob, wrapped up in my obvious delusions of grandeur, I snubbed him. But Ben, it felt so fucking good.

      You make a good point, however, that when the power is taken away from us, it makes us sullen and irritable. While I can’t remember the last time I went to a bar/club and wasn’t hit on by dozens of men (all of which I denied by the way, just for the sheer fucking joy of it) I know the prospect of a male-attention free night makes me furious. I hate it when a girls’ night is ACTUALLY a girls’ night, you know?

      Anyway, sorry for the tangent. I am mostly writing to say thank you. Thank you for being one of those online dudes who really gets it. We NEED more guys like you; the ones who go out of their way to treat us respectfully by leaving out the sexual references and sleazy pick-up lines. I’m sincerely sorry if I ever hid your message just out of the pure hedonistic tendencies that are really just characteristic of my gender. Also, I bet your mirror shot was killer.

      Best of luck to you,


      • Dani December 9, 2013 at 8:32 pm #


        You’re awesome.

        That’s all.

        • Mal January 18, 2014 at 3:30 pm #


          Thanks! I bet you are too.


      • Ronny February 15, 2014 at 9:27 am #

        wow i’d hope to never date a girl like you

        • airtonix July 19, 2014 at 12:25 pm #

          Don’t worry Ron, I’m sure Mal and you are secretly enjoying this thinly veiled charade of cynicism and righteous indignation at gender extremism.

    • Lately August 16, 2013 at 7:59 pm #

      You sound kinda like a creep. Maybe it’s addressing women as “females” like some kind of scientist making a study, or maybe it’s the sweeping generalization that the women on OK Cupid are there to toy with men’s hearts, because hey, that’s a good time, amirite?

      Not really, honey. What is this “old fashioned way” anyhow? In a small town, it’s pretty rubbish. If you don’t like clubbing, you’re a bit SOL. Maybe the whole “waiting around for the right people to stumble into your life” schtick just doesn’t work for everyone.

      But hey, at least you’re gone so you don’t have to deal with all the scarlet women taunting you with what you’ll never have, or whatever persecution complex you’ve built up in your mind. I’m so dreadfully sorry that none of the women you messaged decided to message back, even though you followed all of The Rules and are clearly entitled to a response. Because y’know, you sound like a really swell guy who handles difficulty really well.

    • Tracy October 27, 2014 at 9:03 pm #

      >for the females, why are you on OKC?

      I opened my marriage. I was slammed with offers. I selected two. And I’m dating both. They’re great guys. So, I don’t understand this question at all. I went there looking for men I could onboard as partners, and found two really great ones. OKC success! And not just a success for me, but for two OKC local guys. The fact I can’t accommodate 300 OKC men in my city isn’t really my problem. They found what they wanted. I found what I wanted. The site worked in my case for two men and one woman.

  8. Corin August 9, 2013 at 5:18 pm #

    As much as we hear about girls caring about a guy’s personality more than looks (though they do like a good-looking guy), I tried an experiment with OKCupid one time. I messaged a girl with my original profile. She didn’t respond. I created another profile that was very basic, posted a photo of a model, and messaged the same girl. She wrote back and said I was charming but I seemed like a player. We messaged back and forth for an hour, and she came to like me. Her last message invited me to pick her up for a date later that week.

    So here we have the same guy messaging the same girl… One under a well-written profile (I have a red dot on OKCupid, something not many guys can boast about.) from a guy who took the time to send a nice message, using my normal photos (I guess I’m maybe a 6 or 7 out of 10?); and one under a shitty profile with a 10 photo, and who gets the date? Hot guy!

    I came clean with the girl and she called me rude, which I felt kind of bad about because it was kinda mean, but I did learn something valuable: no hot face, no hot dates.

    • Tracy October 27, 2014 at 9:09 pm #

      I wonder, how many women you find unattractive at OKC that you’ve dated? Of course looks matter. The two guys I’m dating look completely different. But obviously I have to be attracted to the people. One guy is 47, the other is 40, so I’m not looking for some 20-something Adonis. Another guy I agreed to meet was in his 50s. They don’t have to be models, but they need to be attractive *to me*. Seriously, though, if you got a note from a woman who looked like a model, and she seemed like an OK person, and you got another note, very similar from a woman who wasn’t what you find physically attractive–are you telling me you’d weigh them equally? Is this a “woman problem” or a human reality?

    • Tracy October 27, 2014 at 9:12 pm #

      And let me add there is already research on bias toward attractive men/women in society. It wasn’t necessary to mislead someone in such a disrespectful way merely to confirm an obvious reality. You prefer attractive people as much as the next person, in all likelihood. But god forbid anyone else should, right?

  9. Viola August 22, 2013 at 6:59 am #

    Average looking women tend to be realistic about their chances and look for average looking guys. But average looking guys? They neglect the average looking women and message the hot women.

    I’m assuming that Corin is an average looking guy who emailed a hot looking women. :-)

    • yetanother October 30, 2013 at 12:40 am #

      How can you prove any of this? Do a search on “hypergamy” and then tell me that women don’t expect to get dates from men more attractive than themselves.

      • Tracy October 27, 2014 at 9:14 pm #

        I’ve always been told my husband and I are both highly attractive. And I go for attractive men. Oh, can there be such horrors? And you know what? I’m dating two guys in addition to my handsome husband, who are also, in my view, attractive. I’m worse than Hitler.

      • Kaitlyn November 17, 2014 at 7:44 pm #

        From my perspective as an average looking girl: I personally avoid really good looking guys in person and on OKCupid I’ll reply back if I get a comment from a good looking guy, but I shoot for average. I get positive comments on my appearance in person but I just don’t have the confidence that is important to life. Average looking women are likely to get bullied in their life at least once, just like anybody could. People may think it’s just bullying it wouldn’t affect that person’s life, but it can. (No matter how good looking that person is) It all depends on the level of confidence it takes to shoot high.

  10. Nicola September 2, 2013 at 6:31 pm #

    I loved this post,it sums up a lot of my so so experiences on OKC and half of these ideas appear on my profile in the message me if…section. But I’ve never had it as bad as the author’s friends have. And along with the so so and the annoying, I have met a couple of really important people in my life on that site. Which, in a year, is a hit rate that’s higher than meeting people in bars or the “normal” things to do.

    I think I’m rare (compared with people I know at least) in that I read the profile or email first and then look at the pictures. At that point a shirtless picture does no harm whatsoever :) as I’ve already decided if they’re interesting or not. And I look at it as a pre-date too, something I’m not terrible invested in. If they’re as interesting to talk to as the online contact, I see them again.

    I’m amazed by the way the guys keep using the fishing net approach. OK, they have to send a hundred emails to get ten responses but a hundred well crafted emails are going to get 80 responses, meaning they get to stop at twenty because they meet someone. Writing something generic is much more of a waste of time. Sometimes I write back and give them a condensed version of these tips just to see what they’ll say. Next time I might just link them this post!

    Oh and how did I come to this blog?…OKC. So now I’m extra happy I use that site.

  11. Niamh September 2, 2013 at 11:56 pm #

    As a woman who is on OkCupid, seriously, thanks so much for writing this post. Everything you write on it is 100% true.

  12. Richard Head September 19, 2013 at 2:25 am #

    Holy Moses, this is pitiful writing and just screams of useless tumblr feminist screeching. The friendzone exists and is completely real, a man CAN friendzone a woman, but it’s rare. See, what you fail to understand is that reality is different to your ideology. Women will often use men by being completely aware of the fact the man is attracted to them, but use them for emotional support/an ego boost by dropping hints and furthering their love. There is an equivalent for women, called the ‘fuckzone’, where a man will fuck a woman while giving the impression it will turn into a relationship.

    BOTH cases, someone uses someone’s else affection for their own benefit. But, as you see it, nobody is entitled to a relationship or to sex, so it’s fine for men to use women for sex because they don’t owe them a relationship if you sleep with them. Is that what you mean?

    Or do you have different rules for men and women? I bet you do.

    Off OKCupid for good, too many one-sided conversations and flaky girls that wouldn’t commit to dates.

    • Ronny February 15, 2014 at 9:49 am #

      amen brother, some honest truth

      • bob September 7, 2014 at 12:28 pm #

        I agree, nothing but riff raff there. I’ve actually never met a girl(definitely not mature enough to be called a woman) on OKC, it’s just a bunch of flaky assholes shuffling their feet that delete their accounts in the middle of a conversation.

        I met a few decent ones through PoF and irl though. It’s a shame too, because OKC seems like the most streamlined site with the most interesting tools to figure out common interests, but nope, it’s the pits.

    • JOHN DOE January 20, 2016 at 11:21 pm #

      couldn’t agree more


  13. John October 7, 2013 at 1:01 am #

    Thanks for the post, it was very informative. I’m having a hard time deciding whether to post a shirtless picture of myself. My main motivation to use it is to generate initial attraction. (Like if they are on the border, the shirtless pic would tip them towards the side of replying to my message.) I guess I think of my body as an asset. Like the okcupid trends blog mentions “We would never suggest to a Fitzgerald or a Dave Eggers to limit his profile to 100 words, and so why should guys with great bodies keep their best asset under wraps”.
    What bothers me though is this seeming double standard that goes on: women frequently post pictures of themselves scantly clad or in tight dresses, yet the same ones who do this say they don’t like see shirtless profile pics of guys. But I think that’s fine too, actually, because like you say, life is very unfair “Welcome to every damn day in the average woman’s life”.

    • andre October 7, 2013 at 1:19 am #

      Hey John, thanks for the comment.

      I think it largely comes down to who you’re trying to attract and impress. The women I spoke to were, without exception, turned off by shirtless pics. But they aren’t necessarily representative of all women on OKC, just of the women I know on OKC. We all make assumptions about people based on their appearance, but also on the way they choose to present themselves. For some, those assumptions might be negative, while for others they might be positive. You just have to ask yourself whether the women you are looking to attract are more likely to view you in a positive or negative light, given your choice to post a shirtless pic of yourself.

      The type of women I’m looking to attract, I’ve come to learn, view a shirtless pic as a negative, so I would never consider it.

      But, hey, that’s just my view on it! :)

      Thanks again for reading and commenting.

  14. DarkDetective50 October 8, 2013 at 5:41 am #

    Great post. Round of applause for you. I remember back when I was a scrub on OKCupid. Sheesh. I shudder to think the amateur messages I used to send back then. “You have a cute smile. We should chat.” Ugh. I’m glad I slowly evolved though. Now, I net 2 to 3 dates in one week alone.

    What I found that works is to use a unique message. I won’t tell you what I use, it’s up to you to craft yours but trust me it works because if you see half of what the other schmucks are messaging these girls, you’ll roll over and laugh. “Hey, sexy” or “Hey”. These girls are getting HUNDREDS of messages a day. I’m not lying. A few female friends showed me their accounts and they can’t even read all of them. They’re getting hundreds of visitors as well. These messages are all saying the same thing. Complimenting her on looks or something rabid or horny.

    My initial message involves something that intrigues her and gets her thinking “Hmmm….where is he going with this?”

    Another thing I AVOID at all costs is to NEVER, EVER qualify a girl. The moment you do this is the moment she longer sees you as a challenge and decides you’re not worth it. The only girls that will fall for that are the really desperate ones that, you guessed it, don’t get qualified often. A female commenter here said the same thing about how she gets men’s attention or compliments purely to turn them down. NEVER, EVER tell her “You look beautiful” or whatever nonsense you’re thinking.

    Imagine yourself as being higher than her and keep it that way. She’ll be more attracted to you and wonder why you aren’t like the typical OKCupid male. The longer you do this, the higher your qualification goes. Before you know it, she’ll be the one chasing you. As I’m talking to you now, I have these two girls trying to set up a second date with me and I didn’t even initiate it.

    Another thing to take note of is your profile. Fill it out. Make it interesting. Make it funny. Don’t make it dull. If possible, take professional shots from a photographer. Trust me, it’s worth it compared to mirror shots.

    Online dating is a numbers game and even if you land a date with that one girl who you think is just so hot and smart and whatever, don’t stop there. Keep hunting and searching. Always have at least 3 or 4 dates planned so that if one doesn’t work out, you have another one to fall back on. That way you’re not hung up on why she rejected you or never accepted your second date proposal.

  15. Dana October 29, 2013 at 3:37 am #

    As a female okcupid user, this is all right on the mark. I honestly treat all my first dates as friendly, non-romantic meetings, just to see if we click intellectually and can have a stimulating conversation. If that goes well, then we can move on from there. Unless there’s some serious mutual chemistry going on, I always prefer a friendly hug at the end of a first or second date.

    One thing to add, and I’m not sure if anyone mentioned this already: Studies have shown that commenting on a girl’s appearance is actually a huge turn off for them. It definitely is for me. If I get a message that makes any comment about my looks, I instantly become disinterested. If you’re messaging me, I assume you think I’m decent-looking, so why not mention a way more interesting topic that I brought up in my profile and give me your take on it? You have to prove to me that we can get along, not that you find me attractive. Give me something to work with.

  16. yetanother October 30, 2013 at 12:44 am #

    What’s so lame about this post is that it’s supposedly written by a man who wrote an article that could have easily been written by a frustrated, self-centered, demanding, sexist woman.

    Just look at the tone- it shows how women can think through no perspective than their own, state what they want and how men should adapt themselves to suit a woman’s whims.

    Is the author truly a man?

    If so, he must hate what resides between his legs and wish he was a member of the better sex. Then he could call himself a riot guurlll and blog about gurl power.

  17. KwazyMonkey November 5, 2013 at 4:24 pm #

    Hi Andre. I happened to come upon your article by accident during a google serach and first of all thank you so much for making it clear to online men that we as women do not owe them sex. So many guys I have met online think that just because they pay for the dinner and the movie that we owe them sex by at least the third date. Umm no sir I will pay for my own meal thank you very much because my vagina is way more precious to me than the damn money you just spent. Also, you are so right about the shirtless pics. Honestly I am glad that these guys post them because I can write them off right of the bat as one of those men who just want to hit it because usually that’s all they really want anyways so please do not discourage this practice. As per the bad boys and the friends zone. I for one cannot stand bad boys. I am not looking to get hurt so I prefer a simpler nicer men. My ideal man is a good old fashioned country boy btw. As for the friends zone. I wish that guys would realize that it is actually a good thing that I am offering them my friendship because I have long decided only to get into a relationship with the guy who will be my best friend. I rather take my time to know the guy as a friend first without the pressure of dating and sex. If this means I have to sit back and watch my guy friend get in and out of relationships so be it! I am not in a rush and I’m actually going to be taking notes so being friends with me is a good thing. I can tell you one more thing in private because I am not comfortable posting it up for the whole world to see. Thank you for the post though.

  18. mgm531 November 20, 2013 at 2:51 am #

    1) No shirtless picture? Check.

    2) No creepy references to ‘massages’ or ‘back rubs’ in my profile? Check.

    3) Send email with reference to something interesting read in her profile with and associated question? Check.

    4) Not wasting her time? (see above)

    5) Correct spelling, punctuation and grammar? Check.

    Any increase in reply rate to sent emails? Nope. Not a damn bit.

  19. mgm531 November 20, 2013 at 3:03 am #

    One of the fundamental issues that I see with OKC and the like is that most women that are even remotely attractive can do next to nothing and they can get dozens if not hundreds of responses. All they have to do is post a few pictures and they’re golden. In many cases they don’t put much effort into their profile because they don’t have to. I can’t tell how many times I’ve read a profile of an attractive woman and I can’t find one interesting thing or intriguing aspect about them EXCEPT their looks. I’m sure there is something unique about them that I could comment about to distinguish my email from all the other, but for the life of me I sometimes I don’t know how because it sure isn’t listed in their profile.

    • Dani December 9, 2013 at 10:57 pm #

      So why not end the practice and start messaging girls with more to offer than just a pretty face? You’re complaining about good looking girls only needing to put up a picture to get messages and yet your clearly messaging them based onthose same pictures and not what’s in their profile. Whu not just focus your efforts on someone who you clearly find interesting and have things in common with?

    • Joey M December 13, 2013 at 1:02 am #

      Read my comment below. I had the same experience as you. Girls can be just as guilty of judging off photos alone, especially if you are in a big city where they get swarmed with messages.

      In an inbox full of up to 30 messages a day why message the 7 when a 9 messaged you? Who cares if the 9 copied and pasted his message? Who cares if the 7 has an awesome profile? Anybody who says otherwise is full of shit.

    • Tiredofthemanbashing December 24, 2013 at 10:54 am #

      This article’s sole intent is winning the favor of the female majority for the author’s benefit; provided the author is male. Fuck the author, in every orifice and all who have this attitude.

      • Mal January 18, 2014 at 4:16 pm #

        Dear Tiredofthemanbashing,

        Fuck him. If “he” even IS a him (you are right to be skeptical -the whole thing reeks of bloody vagina). If we are to assume that he is a male (and a lady-loving one at that), it is clear that he is trying to hoard all the broads for himself! Even if his article is sincere, this is a great injustice to other men who, for reasons unknown, are having a bit of a problem in the “getting some” department. So I repeat again: Fuck him. And off of his enlightened male and sexy lady followers. FUCK THEM ALL.

        In solidarity,


    • Tiredofthemanbashing December 24, 2013 at 10:57 am #

      I agree; and most haven’ the courtesy to even respond if you do attempt lemonade from a lemon of a profile by attempting a conversation.

  20. Joey M December 13, 2013 at 12:48 am #

    (This is my experience in San Diego using OKCupid)

    Although I agree with what much of the article said, I still have to raise the bullshit flag. I had a highly rated profile from Reddit and messaged each girl politely with an individualized message showing her I read her profile. My response rate, almost zero.

    At first I thought it could be my pictures so I had my very attractive female roommate view them as well as read my profile. She canned one and made a couple suggestions for my profile that I followed. My response rate, still almost zero.

    For giggles I changed my city to Providence, Rhode Island. In three days response rate was almost 40% there and I had on average 3 women “like” my profile a day, and even a very cute successful girl message me. All commented on how well put together my profile was.

    So, what was the deal with San Diego then? I did NOTHING different in Providence and got significantly different results.

    My conclusion, girls in San Diego get WAAAY more messages so they merely scan the first three photos before even considering to read my profile. I suppose I didn’t meet their “ideal image” so I got the boot.

    I am a little bitter from the whole experience, but I am not angry. Living in a beach community I have plenty of opportunity to talk to girls out in the real world. At least in person I get at least a one to two minute “personality audition” where I can get legitimate feedback through her tone, choice of words, looks, and body language.

    Deleted my profile, off to the beach I go!

  21. TruthBeTold December 15, 2013 at 10:28 am #

    There are so many gems of truth in Andre’s post! Thank you, thank you, thank you for defending a woman’s right to be treated like a human being who is fully entitled to her own preferences, responses, and choices! Even “good guys” often have the attitude that if they show polite interest to a woman, she must return that interest or else she’s an evil beeyotch. Funny how these guys never feel obligated to pay attention to women they don’t find attractive, yet any woman they find attractive must pay attention to them! O…k…

    I also just want to add that women are far more visual than traditional wisdom would suggest. I think a lot of guys don’t succeed on dating sites despite “doing everything right” for the simple reason that they’re probably not that attractive and/or photogenic. Women are just as likely as men to look at photos first and reject those they don’t find appealing. One of the harsher realities of the world seems to be that there are more attractive women than there are attractive men. This may be because men, on average, don’t invest as much effort in physical enhancement as women do. In any case, the reasoning behind a lot of these rejections may not be all that complicated and, in fact, may be as simple as lack of attraction.

    So my suggestion to men is this: If you’ve tried all the things Andre listed and you’re still not getting responses, take a good look in the mirror. Are you balding or graying? Is your haircut dated or unflattering? Are you overweight or painfully skinny? Are your teeth in bad condition? Do you have an unattractive physical feature that really stands out such as a large nose, a weak chin, or under-eye bags? These are the kinds of questions that women ask themselves all the time and constantly look for solutions to. It may be time for men to avail themselves of these solutions, as well.

  22. Shocked December 21, 2013 at 4:32 am #

    Were you raised by your mother? Was she a lesbian, man-hater? Exactly, HOW do you expect men to act like anything but whiny, girlish, doormats with this advice?

    Don’t get me wrong. There are definitely some gems within this. Sadly, things that men should already know and understand, but I digress.

    Men do not owe women ANYTHING. Not a single thing. That mindset has bred a horribly imbalanced dating scene with “nice guys” who get ignored and/or cheated on. And psycho guys getting laid left and right. THEN tainting the naive women who are attracted to them, but wonder why they got used and abused yet again.

    Chivalry should NEVER been confused with a superior/inferior imbalance. So please, don’t promote a dysfunctional social model.

    • Mal January 18, 2014 at 4:01 pm #

      Dear Shocked,

      YES! As a tainted woman (see woman with a taint), I have often wondered how I find myself in this use-and-abuse-by-psycho-guys cycle. But thanks to your insights, I think I may be having a moment of clarity.

      See, when I have in the past found myself laying psychopaths left, right AND CENTRE (shameless, I know), I thought the way out was to find one of those lesbian-raised nice guys. You know, with the crazy notion that I might deserve some of those stereotypically Nice Guy qualities such as respect and kindness. But now I’m realizing what I SHOULD be doing is standing in front of the mirror each morning and reminding myself that I am owed NOTHING. Nada. Zip. Keep the expectations in the toilet and you will never be disappointed, right?

      Thank you and cheers to those of us who are soldiering on for a less dysfunctional social model!


      • JB April 8, 2014 at 11:53 pm #

        Is it weird that I read through the comments just to find the ones written by you?
        Cheers Mal, you’re doing an awesome job.


  23. drew502 December 28, 2013 at 1:07 am #

    48 yo father NOT on OKcupid, but my 23 son is and I am proud that he isn’t guilty of the things you’ve talked about according to what he has reported to me. He has mentioned how some of the women he has met complain about the penis photos they get from other men. I wasn’t sure if I believed him but, wow, now I do. Forwarding this to him.

  24. Bree December 30, 2013 at 3:54 am #

    I’m a woman on OKC and am NOT getting hundreds of messages a day. I get about a half-dozen a week.

    I’m better-than-average looking, 5’6″ 120 pounds, curvy… But I’m over 35! I also don’t display bare shoulders and legs (I’ve done that before only to get more of the wrong types of messages, but I digress…).

    In person, people often think I’m in my late-20s. But online, my true age is not usually included in the average male’s search parameters. I expect to get ZERO visitors/messages once I turn 40 in a few months, lol! I’m sure overweight women and not-so-stereotypically-hot women are in a similar boat. Just sayin’.

    So I have to message way more guys than are messaging me. I do not get all butt-hurt if they don’t reply and/or don’t want to meet. I get it: I’m too old or they don’t find me attractive or both. I move on. That said, I’ve been on about 3-4 dates a month this past year and met some really nice people, a few of them resulted in sex but nothing more.

    I’m glad you wrote this article Andre, because you’re right: Dating is terrifying for women and most men cannot appreciate that. Even though I’m not exactly bombarded with date requests, I’ve had to wade through my small share of power-tripping dickheads and rapey PUA’s like DarkDetective50 up there.

    P.S. I actually like the shirtless selfie pics (as long as they’re young and muscular).

  25. Mo February 3, 2014 at 4:43 pm #

    Hello all,

    I thought I would add my own advice.

    I receive message from new girls 3-4 times a week, who make the initial contact. Once even from a girl who was over 10 years younger than me, and very much outside of what I was looking for.
    I also send out my own messages and usually get a reply one out of every three. This seems to be pretty successful compared to what I’ve heard.

    I am in my 30s and would say I am slightly above average looking, maybe 7/10. So nothing too special. But I have some plus points which I think really help. My profile is interesting, I am a good writer. Its funny, but not trying too hard. It doesn’t have any in-jokes, it is very accessible to all. I am a DJ as well, which incites interest.
    I have ok pictures of me looking my best and doing fairly interesting things.
    These things all add up.

    Some men seem to think that if they jump through hoops or have a certain checklist, they are going to get somewhere. Message her, ask something about her profile, end with a question, make sure you have a top on haha

    ‘I’m doing everything right, why aren’t women attracted to me?’

    Attractiveness, like respect, is not something you can ask for, or even expect. You have to demand it.

    People like other people who are interesting. Be an interesting person. Get a hobby. Get a career. Get well-read. Become an athlete. These things show that you are doing something with your life, that you have passion and drive. Don’t do these things to get girls. That makes you an asshole. Do them for yourself. That’s attractive.

    I am a massive slacker, and always will be. I will never be wealthy. I work in admin. But because I am devoted to music, people respect me. Being worthy of respect is attractive.

    I understand that some people are not that great at writing and maybe struggle with the messaging aspect. Practice. It is a skill, that you have to learn. You will get better.

    If you receive a message from someone you are not into, you should reply. The practice will help. You might also make a friend.
    And remember – the aim is to meet women. Perhaps the woman you are in contact with is not right for you. But she has friends. If you are an asshole, you have immediately eliminated every women that she knows. You never know, you might meet the girl of your dreams through her.
    Be nice. It gets you places.

    When I make initial contact I will usually only ever send a message to a woman that I can actually have a real conversation about. So if they are really into opera or hockey, I would look elsewhere. I am picky and generally only message ‘out of my league’. So when I do send a message I spend a lot of time on it.

    I keep it short. I do not send out any compliments. If I’m sending a msg its obvious I find her attractive. I do not big myself up. As a guide to any social interaction: Don’t tell people you are witty – BE witty. Don’t tell people you are funny – BE funny.

    I just make a few irreverent jokes (not at anyone’s expense). Keep it light, keep it positive. Mention something on her profile that I actually know about and can talk about, and then leave it.

    If they like me they will reply. That’s it.

    So far its all been going well. I’ve met women from all walks of life: an artist, a scientist, an editor, the PR manager of a well-known tech company and a performer. So I’m very happy with how its all going.

    And to be honest, all I think I’ve done, is gone in with the right attitude and been respectful.

  26. Deb February 3, 2014 at 4:52 pm #

    Utterly. Fucking. Brilliant.

    Thank you.

  27. Ronny February 14, 2014 at 8:13 pm #

    heres what i experienced, i would say im a 7 maybe even a 8. I tried pof and ok cupid with no luck.. your competing with so many guys, and the girl will just drop you if you say the wrong thing or if someone better comes along, these girls are looking for mr perfect i guess. They want you to be everything when they are far from it. anyways, these girls all have us wrapped around their finger the minute we message them, and heres my point.. the type of hot girls that go on dating sites, shouldnt even be competed for, who wants somebody thats gunna leave mid convo for someone better? you gotta sit and think of the most perfect response and then wait to see if she even responds? Every fucking time… its not worth it for me, i know i can do better and yet im dancing to her beat, im sure there are exceptions but i think girls just use these sites to boast ego and try to find the absolute perfect match, unless you like crawling at womens feet i wouldnt recommend this to any guy, no matter how desperate, unless your perfect theres always goin to be someone better, ans if shes hot, he is prolly gunna message her

  28. Ronny February 14, 2014 at 8:20 pm #

    girls are cunts im switching to hookers, ill probably save time, stress and money, personally i cant wait for sex robots to level the playing feild, once vaginas are useless we willl have the power back lol

    • Ann B August 30, 2015 at 10:56 pm #

      Please go to the hookers. Do the rest of the women a favor.

  29. LiLsHoWsToPpa February 15, 2014 at 5:18 pm #

    Wow. A lot of estrogen flowing around this thread.

    I think this thread is one of the many proofs how women can be completely narrow minded, judgmental and just down right picky.

    As if spelling errors speak for the entirety of my intelligence.
    As if complementing you means I want in your pants.
    As if challenging you makes me the aggressor.

    F F S women… grow a backbone.

    Every little thing sets you off, rubs you the wrong way, irritates you.

    Where does this fantasy come from where every little detail must fall into place as you see fit before you even think about interacting with the opposite sex? Maybe that’s it. Maybe for the most part, a lot of you females are living these societal fantasy’s and less in touch with reality.

    I just read this article telling me (a male) everything i’m doing wrong in my life. Im sure you ladies can read this short paragraph and “learn” something “new” as well.

  30. john giddiens February 20, 2014 at 12:02 am #

    wow you are absolutely a well spring a virtual sage of knowledge.. lol let me stop your really an arrogant dick full of him -self .I wish I could undoe all the bullshit I just read. you are definitely a nipple swinger.

  31. Fuckface9000 February 23, 2014 at 5:27 am #

    Or maybe the women on okcupid are a bunch of snobby bitches? Really so many women on there act like they are gods gift to women when they are a fucking 5 at best. Hey guys, you want my advice? Go out and find a woman instead. Your chances will be higher.

  32. pepsibear April 4, 2014 at 2:37 am #

    There is a reason women are on dating sites to begin with. If their looks are not preventing them from dating, their personality certainly is.
    Men get in dating sites trying to get laid, that is no secret. But what are the women really after? For the obese, older, or plain ol ugly females, they probably don’t have a chance in real life but no one is likely messaging them anyways and certainly not the quality men. For the females who ARE what men want, why do they waste bandwidth and time making a profile? Are their egos so fragile that they have to have MORE validation? Obviously if they get on dating sites and no one on there is good enough for them, they should remove themselves instead of bitching when they put themselves on there and then get attention.

    Yes women gets tons of messages but they forget that the guys who messaged them probably sent out to a dozen or so other women that same day, so no one woman is special.

  33. sleepsack bondage May 4, 2014 at 10:16 am #

    Hey there! Would you mind if I share your blog with my facebook group?

    There’s a lot of people that I think would
    really enjoy your content. Please let me know. Thank you

    • andre May 5, 2014 at 3:26 am #

      Sure, feel free, and thanks for reading (but also hoping I’m not just replying to a spmabot…never leads to good conversations…)

  34. tony May 12, 2014 at 5:11 am #

    I followed all this advice a long time ago. Whatever you write, my reaction is “duh.” In fact it feels kind of insulting. Like an advice article saying “don’t be a criminal.” “don’t be stupid.” I’m not any of these things to begin with. I’m just a normal man.

    I write witty, humorous messages better than anything I thought I could have written, referencing information on their profile

    I never received any serious replies

    I have messaged like 50 women. I have messaged attractive women, but also ugly women, women with children, fat women, etc. Most never reply. Only 1 date resulted

    The question that is not asked is, why do women receive so much more attention than men on that site anyway?

    The person who said that women are just as shallow as men and men are maybe not attractive is the most accurate, IMO. Unfortunately, I cannot do anything about being 5 foot 5. This is the height that my parents are and it is genetic. I am sorry.

  35. stubear June 28, 2014 at 5:04 pm #

    you have to be interesting. and not just act interesting but actually be an interesting person. i can say that i am, so i get visitors and favorites and some messages. that’s not to say i think or feel like every girl should reply to me. that’s unrealistic and i’m slowly learning to send my message and keep it moving. Even a girl who i thought was really into me has stopped talking to me after she told me she would text me the next day. it’s been two days.. do i care? not really.. there’s so many more out there. be you. my profile is long and full of quirky things and qualities about myself that are true. is it too long? probably, but i don’t care. i’m looking for a specific type of woman. this convo is probably dead but whatever.

  36. Tara Lee Reed June 30, 2014 at 8:02 pm #

    This. Is. Outstanding.

    That is all.


    Tara Lee Reed

  37. sigh July 2, 2014 at 2:00 pm #

    I surely cry of sadness that they are men that need that remarks. But Andre, you wrote you studied “English Literature” and worked for NGO’s, and you give so lame advices? Tens of lines for so obvious things? sigh… It’s so narcissistic and condescending; and so is Mal…

    Why don’t you give intelligent advices for intelligent people?
    This world is just unfair sometime, the money goes to the rich and the girls want the successful men, so it’s bit more complicated.

    Thx all others for more complex and intelligent remarks, examples, hints etc…

  38. ThankYou July 6, 2014 at 4:10 pm #

    DEAR GOD, THANK YOU. Can we please make this mandatory reading for all straight men? This is honestly the best article I’ve read in a very, very long time. And, once again, the comments section justifies the need for the article in the first place.

    I’ve been fortunate enough that I haven’t been harassed or threatened on OKCupid (How sad is it that I consider this fortunate?), but I’ve had my fair share of ultra boring and creepy dudes. I actually had to add a stipulation to my profile begging them to stop asking me about my weekend plans. If your opening line is “Hey, how r u?” or “Hey, how was ur wknd?” this tells me that you’re unoriginal, inattentive, and probably selfish in bed. The best way to get a response from me (and most women) is to say something brief, clever, RESPECTFUL, and properly spelled.

    For the men on here who insist that they follow these guidelines and still don’t get dates, please refer back to the beginning of the article (women owe you nothing) and triple check your spelling, because it’s probably a nightmare. This article isn’t the guaranteed guide on how to get laid. It’s a brief list of recommendations that, when followed, will increase your chances of receiving responses from women – women like me and every woman I know.

    Also, please don’t list sex as something you can’t live without (desperate/obvious) or something you’re good at (lame/false). The brain is the biggest sex organ; use it.

    Thank you again, Andre. Keep fighting the good fight.

  39. foh July 11, 2014 at 10:10 pm #

    Bro you sound like fuckin pussy writing this shit, woman love to waste time of guys. they have no problem flirting and using the IDEA of sex to get what they want but then when you call them on it it suddenly i dont owe you? fuck that then give me my time and energy back. todays woman are stuck up bitches that deserve whatever they get, if you aint DTF then get out of my face. woman friends are horrible, they give you the worst advice on woman

  40. fffffflt July 27, 2014 at 7:34 am #

    Naw, women just want attractive successful men. That’s all.

    They are just as vain as men and that’s essentially what this all boils down to. Women agree with this article because these things do annoy them, but really only because it’s boring or unattractive men that are doing it.

    If you were interesting and attractive enough they wouldn’t give a shit. True story.

    Love the absurd social fiction that women have some kind of special relationship with reality that men don’t. It’s completely absurd. Women want exactly what men want. There is almost zero difference and nobody is in any moral position to do anything to change that either way.

    People serve their own interests. That’s all there is.

    Get over it, everybody. Stop attaching false piety to everything. We are all pieces of shit, and women are no exception. The reality is that no one is “obligated” to treat anyone any way. We only do it to advantage ourselves in different ways. That’s it. That’s all there is. There is personal advantage and that’s it.

    Drop the illusion and accept reality.

  41. Stevie August 26, 2014 at 2:13 pm #

    Gotta disagree with some points here. This hypothetical girl does owe me something- kindness. Just because an unattractive woman approaches me at a club, that doesn’t give me the right to ignore her and walk past her, making her feel insignificant. As human beings, we all deserve kindness until proven otherwise (ie, dick pics lol). To avoid even writing back to me is rude and inconsiderate. Just my two cents

  42. TableTop September 8, 2014 at 2:40 pm #

    This entire article is completely made moot by OkCupid’s own research.

    Sorry, author. Reality bites. :(

  43. Ozy November 11, 2014 at 4:41 am #

    The tone of the female author tells it all. Shame :) I get 20 messages a day 50% response rate. I only date girls above my league. Advise is not bad, but has un underlying stupid intention. Repent.

  44. Ozy November 11, 2014 at 4:42 am #

    The tone of the female author tells it all. Shame :) I get 20 messages a day 50% response rate. I only date girls above my league. Advise is not overall wrong, but has some kind of underlying stupid, bad intention. Repent. Heil to men-brotherhood! Say no to lame female doomers.

  45. David December 11, 2014 at 9:15 pm #

    I would have read the whole thing because it seems like the subject is a good one, but you come off as such a condescending, white knight ass.

  46. Justin May 4, 2015 at 1:12 am #

    OMG! Do you not all see how ironic this is? Here is a website supposedly offering to “match” you with your perfect match… yet… according to the author of this blog… you have to “act” a certain way for the website to work.

    Does anyone see how blatantly hypocritical that is? If the website acts like an impartial intermediary… and simply does what it is supposed to… then only people who are supposed to be a match would even be allowed to talk to each other. That way, even the fattest dude gets some… even the most seriously crazy girl finds a man… that would be the definition of a website actually working… INSTEAD, and the people pulling thecourtesy know this… they leave it as a huge free for all: all the competition and bickering keeps you in the game! People are being played against each other!

    If the site was genuine. Seriously. Only people deemed high matches would even be allowed to see each other’s profiles. Also they would maybe have some number that both people could call for a conference call with no personal information exchanged.

    I’ve had seriously terrible dates with women and deleted their numbers that evening. Not sure if other guys do the same.courtesy.

    As for the author of this post. So you got lucky with one girl through the website. Suddenly your the savior of all these poor victimized women who have to see God Forbid a man with his shirt off.

    Girls actually live for this kinda stuff more than guys. Also they’re tougher when it comes to sleezy guys than they would let you believe.

    I just think that it is ironic that you’re coaching men how to be… when… just playing Devil’s Advocate here… isnt the point supposed to be that everyone is allowed to just be themselves and find their match? So if one guy legitimately is a meat head, why should he suddenly have to pretend he’s Ivy League when the whole point of the site is to just “be yourself.”

    The truth is. The site could be better. But it is better business to leave it how it is. This is where I take issue. It is misleading.

  47. TimR May 18, 2015 at 3:20 pm #

    I guess this is how evolution works. Some men get picked the rest of us don’t. I just wish I could find someone who would let me kiss them once in a while without requiring that I change everything about myself. I don’t know if there are any articles on men who know they’ll be dying alone.

  48. Ann B August 30, 2015 at 9:04 pm #

    Thank you for this post. It was funny and to the point. Female here with some other creepy e mails sent to me. Guys, please do not list likes to hug, kiss and cuddle. That is CREEPY! When you ask for my number and I give it, do NOT respond with your number. I just gave it to you.. CALL me. Do not text or email. (In my profile I state that I do not like to text or email. I like to speak to you) When out on a first meet, at the end of it do not come in for the kiss. My head automatically pulls back. We just met and I don’t know if I want to see you again. If we do see each other again just ask if you can kiss me. I adore a man with manners.

  49. PlayerPlayboyElite November 4, 2015 at 11:35 pm #

    Young men never compromise your masculinity for any woman. Stop pussy begging and focus your efforts into making money $$$. That is the power to get you dam near anything you want in this world. Then buy you a foreign wife ” prenup ” as i did and get out of the dating game as quick as you can before you lose your sanity. Abandon American women . Once you go foreign you’ll never look back .

    • andre November 5, 2015 at 12:24 pm #

      Hahaha! Great advice! If you can’t actually find a partner through the force of your own character, just buy one!

  50. JTC November 5, 2015 at 12:33 pm #

    Nonsense. Who cares what women think? If women want me to care what they think then they should stop being so picky and actually reply when a guy messages her.

    Women don’t owe me anything? Don’t waste her time? It’s a two-way street. Most women on OkCupid are a waste of time – they won’t even reply to your messages. So, since it’s a two-way street, why should I bother reading her profile, following your stupid rules, and writing nice messages?

    If women on OkCupid want men to behave a certain way, the women have to behave a certain way. End. Of. Story.

    • andre November 5, 2015 at 3:50 pm #

      Except that you want to be with them far more than they want to be with you. You want the pleasure of a woman’s company? You gotta work for it. End. Of. Story.

  51. JTC84 January 15, 2016 at 8:13 pm #

    Didn’t bother to read this. No matter what you do, women don’t respond, so just ignore their whines.

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